When I grow up…

>Recently Todd and I went out for a nice dinner with some new friends.

[At this moment I’d like to pause for a formal apology to the previously mentioned ‘new friends’. You are now part of a club that some consider a curse. You are now in the “I’ve Been Mentioned In iamjakz’s Absurd Blog” cartel. May your mention in this ongoing drivel be short and anonymous. It’s just better that way. And feel free to send me $19.95 so I can process your membership and send you your cartel ID card and commemorative t-shirt.]

We were having a great evening, random conversations, laughing at the Ducks extreme lead in the game, until we were presented with some wonderful sushi. And more sushi. And still a little more. But that isn’t the point. As the conversations progressed, I was asked a thought provoking (yet simple) question.

[Right now I’d like to take a breather and point something out, perhaps explaining my predicament? I’d like to state for the record that, my lack of an intelligible response wasn’t because I was without answer. Rather, I was suddenly inundated with the possibilities of so many correct answers. And since I don’t like responding with incorrect replies, and I couldn’t decide which was right, I really just shrugged it off. And that made me feel, well… less than brilliant sums it up nicely.]

So, what could’ve given me this headache? What thought has plagued my mind for almost a week now, creating a need for me to publish this predicament? What…what was the question exactly? Honestly, I can’t quote it word for word, but it was along the lines of this…ugh, and truly even now, my head is spinning with possibilities of answers and ideas and correct responses.

Okay, here goes…

“If you were to go back to work, what do you think you’d do?”

What occupation would I choose? How would I earn my wages? How would I use my precious hours in order to help increase my worldly worth?

I decided that since I failed so miserably in the verbal test, maybe I’d be able to earn back some credit with my written response. Without further postponement, here’s a partial list of pursuable professions I might consider.

Option 1- I’d like to be a dentist. Yes, I know it would take years of school, and I’d have to deal with people and their bad oral hygiene issues. You could say I want to do this because I believe firmly in a healthy mouth, or that I want the world to have better, brighter smiles. You could say that, but I wont. I want to be a dentist so I can be in the group of ‘9 out of 10 dentists prefer’. And I want to be the one that doesn’t.

Option 2- I do enjoy writing, and am fond of random (somewhat useless) facts. I like sharing this with people at rather off-the-wall moments. I feel my wisdom that should be imparted to the masses. Journalism? Fiction? Should I write general knowledge or how-to guides? I’m actually thinking more in line with being a fortune cookie writer.

Option 3- As embarrassing as it can be to admit in certain situations, I actually enjoy playing a round of golf. My wii calls me a champion golfer, and in real life I do have a trophy to attest to my skills (sadly, the only trophy I’ve earned in my life). But, being a professional golfer takes hours of commitment and practice and determination and being around other golfers… Yet, I love being out in the green glory of the courses. My optional employment? I wanna drive the little car that picks up the golf balls on the range, but with one stipulation- I get to have a giant bulls eye painted on it.

Option 4- On the somewhat serious side, I still think about possibly opening a cafe & baked goods kind of place. My own little cheesecake factory, perhaps. I’m just afraid that the name alone would cause people to not want to enter, especially those embracing a South Beach diet, for example. What possible name would I call my business that would make people think twice? A name dear to my heart for reasons I cannot pinpoint. “Fat and Happy’s“, with the motto being, “making you fat and happy since 1999“.

Option 5- I like reptiles. But I totally don’t wanna have a house full of them, being a breeder or something (no offense to those who do). And I really don’t like pet stores. I don’t mind a little danger, so I was thinking about becoming a snake milker. The problem is, I have no idea how to break into that market. And I’m not sure there is much of a market around here, in that the only milk I typically see for sale is cow, soy or possibly goat.

Option 6- I thought it might be fun to be a mascot. Then I remembered the days that I used to dress up in a giant pink gorilla suit for work. Enough said.

Option 7- Safety is very important to me and my family. We have very well-enforced rules about wearing helmets when biking, scootering, jumping off of roofs, etc. So what better way to help than get into the auto industry and help with their safety regulations? Almost everyone in America travels by automobile. Plus, it’s most likely a government job, which would mean big $$$ and lots of benefits (doesn’t every government employee now own their own submarine?). That being said, I wanna be the person that pushes the button and sends the crash test dummies flying.

Option 8- If my presence was requested, I would most likely allow myself to be employed as a mythbuster. It would be better to have a reason to blow things up (other than it’s just fun!), and it would probably be a lot more legal.

Option 9- Christmas has Santa, Easter the bunny, Valentines has the ugly flying baby, er, Cupid. There’s the Tooth Fairy and the Keebler Elves. Somewhere in the mix, there has to be a job I can do that involves dispensing random gifts in unconventional ways. Maybe something to celebrate the day after Thanksgiving, I could call myself Adephagia (after the Greek goddess of gluttony) and dispense tums to those saturated with turkey and gravy. Or maybe I could help the world celebrate Columbus day by sending out a message to every GPS showing the coordinates to a specific location where they would find a prize. I’m thinking perhaps a map?

Truthfully, I have no clue what I’d do. And the sad fact is, my days are numbered until both boys are in school and I can choose an activity to busy myself that doesn’t involve cleaning toothpaste off of walls. But until that day comes, I’m going to decide to not decide anything. So, with apologies to the general public, I will continue on in life being me.

4 thoughts on “When I grow up…

  1. >I started to comment and realized my response was turning into a doctoral thesis on why we ask ourselves questions which drive to more questions…so I gave up and decided to comment on the choices only:Option 1: your could indirectly assist in better oral hygiene by developing a non-teeth staining coffeeOption 2: the fortune cookie thing would be great, EXCEPT the difficult part is coming up with those lucky numbers on the back …it would take years of math and engineering study to create a fool-proof way to get the right numbers to the right people – maybe new fortune cookie flavors, I’m tired of sugar coated cardboard flavorOption 3: being around other golfers!! nuff saidOption 4: open your new shop with big screens all over showing reality TV shows on and endless loop – then you could call it “Fat, Dumb and Happy’s”Option 5: sounds tedious…how many snakes do you have to milk for enough to cover your cereal?Option 6: need more details re: pink gorilla!! Was this the mascot for the local technical college?part 2

  2. >this is part2Option 7: Hey gov’t work isn’t all fun and games you actually have to produce results….ok I’m sorry I can’t keep a straight face and say that…couple of years pushing that button, then fully compensated disability for “pre” carpal tunnel syndrome…this is a new disability exclusive to gov’t workers – it stems from a study that shows that sometime in the unknown future after a undetermined number of button pushes you MAY get carpel tunnel: so its best we just pay you full pay and not force you to workOption 8: I have friends that do this…no tv…the live in the Colorado mountains the name of their business is “Demolition and Small Wars” –Nederland, ColoradoOption 9: how about a disinterested GPS elf that rolls their eyes and has an ever present look of aloofness on their face popping up when someone gets lost while following the GPS as though it was a technological god – “I know the sign says turn here, but the GPS says turn in 200 feet!!”

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